Golden Globe Awards 2016

When I learned that Ricky Gervais was returning as host of the 2016 Golden Globes, deemed by NBC as “the party of the year”, I gotta say, I was pleased.  I find his irreverence funny, and his eventual rudeness at least not boring.  Last night, however, his schtick seemed to exclusively involve his distaste for the Globes, hosting it, and well, being there.  And just like any fabulous dinner party, if your host isn’t into it, well, then…..

I wonder if the merry go round of social media has simply made us all a bit jaded and tired of awards shows in general.  It seems each go round, folks are summoning the energy to take in more commentary (fashion police & crew), more controversy (diversity, ask her more, etc.) and more long, drawn out evenings of self contratulatory wealthy celebrities in films and small screen shows no one has the time to see.   For the armchair Fashion Critic, however, I find myself caring less about the content of the show, and more about the dresses.  The pretty, pretty dresses.

I love playing spot the trend on the Carpet, and last night had some that were less obvious than others.  The most noticeable was seen on Jaime Alexander, Kirsten Dunst, Jenna Dewan Tatum, Olivia Wilde, and Zendaya.  The down-to-there deep V neckline dominated the women on the carpet, most with full skirts and POCKETS!!  Yippee for pockets!  This look is a personal favorite of mine, and I loved each dress more than the next.  With the exception of Kirsten Dunst, most managed to reveal just enough without any side boob vulgarity, due much in part to what their Mommas gave them (and a bit of tape).  Ms. Dunst wore a black velvet version with strings and ruching that I thought would have been better suited on tiny tiny Rooney Mara.

Speaking of Ms. Mara, several of the stars wore Pantone’s color of the year, Rose Quartz.  A baby pink Alexander McQueen washed her complexion out in my opinion, which only brought to mind that perhaps she was literally WASHED OUT (as in, shredded in the washing machine).  I didn’t hate this look at all, the torn and tattered chiffon is classic McQueen.  I just feel as though I’ve seen it before.  I loved her wild, sculptural braid more than her gown.  Also dipped in pink, Katy Perry in an ill-fitting tight dress barely containing what HER Momma gave her, a mod wig (complete with bump-it), and back bow detail.  Even SHE didn’t seem to know what she was doing there.  Kate Hudson was in a sequin bandeau collared pink Michael Kors gown that she fussed with ALL NIGHT.  A true sign of the wrong dress.  It cut her into slices and choked her, pulled, slipped, just not a good fit.  More pink on Cate Blanchett in Givenchy, which was reminiscent of another Givenchy dress she wore to the Oscars a few years back.  Leslie Mann wore a pink high necked gown that swallowed her whole.

There are always the sweet and classic girls, in satin ball gowns with portrait necklines.  Gina Rodriguez was lovely in navy Zac Posen (who has made this precise dress about 12 times now for the Carpet).  Amy Schumer  was sweet but in a disappointing Black and White Cookie meme. I want her to experiment and play SO BADLY.  I think she is stunning and she seems to have fun with fashion on her show and for her standup, but other than the pockets I didn’t love this look for her.  There was mall hair and light blue eyeshadow, and really, I just can’t.

Also sweet but dull, Amy Adams in a red boat neck dress, Kate Winslet in a blue fitted gown, and Maura Tierney in a plain as ever strapless color block with HUGE geek chic horn rimmed glasses.  Here’s the thing about girls who wear glasses on red carpets….you can’t just ignore them.  I would have loved the specs with a mens tuxedo shirt tucked into a satin skirt a la Sharon Stone in 1998, or a black Armani dinner suit sans blouse, maybe even a quirky, 50s, fit and flare a la Zoe Deschanel.  But a traditional Mother of the Bride type gown with the glasses?  No.  That goes for you too, Patricia Arquette.  Boobs! Bow! Glasses!  Where do I look? To me, that’s a styling error extradonaire.  That’s literally what stylists are there for.  To see the details mere mortals do not and coordinate them in a way that appears effortless. Come on, people.

There were some wow moments that I can’t even say that I liked, but they woke me up and broke up the monotony of the show a bit — Uzo Aruba in a black sequin gown with FANTASTIC tousled hair, Laverne Cox in a white show stopper by Elizabeth Kennedy, and Regina King in a gold gladiator Hunger Games type deal that sure was shiny.  Also in white was Alicia Vikander in a white ruffled Louis Vuitton, and the stunning if oddly-posing-all-night on the carpet Taraji P Henson in Stella McCartney.

Someone needs to explain Eva Longoria in a bowed up sequined floral embroidered white thing to me, because I don’t get it.  She looked like one of those Saint candles or a kitschy beach bag.  I hated Brie Larson’s 80s Calvin Klein gold dress, and would have loved Melissa McCarthy’s metallic blue gown were it not for the huge pendant necklace bouncing around her boobs all night.  Joanne Froggat was gorgeous in Reem Acra, but I think she should have done away with the modesty panel.  Downton’s over, lady, live it up!

For the 40 plus club, JLo continues to defy gravity and the space time continuum in her appearance, and although I loved the color of her taxi cab yellow Giambattista Valli caped gown, I felt like it had one too many elements. Maybe less of a necklace?  Julia Louis Dreyfus was lovely in a black lace Lanvin, and my goodness that Julianne Moore stunned in navy sequined Tom Ford.  Helen Mirren’s neckline was perfection, although I thought the jewels showed her age. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that….)

Some of the most anticipated Red Carpet walkers included Lady Gaga in a sculptural black velvet gown that reminded me of the Charles James exhibit at the Met a few years ago.  It was a thing of beauty and a feat of architecture, but I found her hair and makeup to be too predictable and Marylin-ish.  Kate Bosworth wore a heavy sequined gown that was a vision, and Jada Pinket Smith lost her mind and wore a complicated kelly green thing that screamed Kermit.  Jennifer Lawrence wore what might be her last Dior, as her contract with the fashion house has ended, but I thought the red modern dress with cut outs was really interesting.  The diamond chainmail collar necklace was incredible, but I think it should have either laid flatter on her neck or come up higher….the spot it hit on her neck, coupled with her too severe hair and makeup made the whole look a bit like a mannequin.  It was as if there was a seam on her neck where her head would screw off….softer hair may have helped this.

Worst dressed is very simple.  Dear, dear, Jane Fonda.  Especially for a show that has so MANY cameras in the audience, showing you sitting at a table (Perhaps the bottom of the dress allowed for the top to shine? Oh, who am I kidding.  No way.) This was just a cupcake, a coffee filter, a clown collar, and you are too beautiful for that nonsense.

Best dressed for me was Jaime Alexander in the Italian Designer Genny.  I loved the fabric, the pattern, the styling, the neckline, and of course, the pockets.  I have no idea who she is, what show she’s on, and whether she’s a talent, but that dress will haunt me.

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All photos, Getty images, via Huffington Post

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