Like most women, I adore my girlfriends. They are smart, funny, raunchy, wildly sexy and incredibly diverse. They are SAHMs (stay-at-home-moms), Lawyers, Corporate Executives, Fitness Intsructors, Business Owners, and everything in between. Get us together, and we will discuss everything from world politics to those little chocolate covered cherries that have the cherry juice in the middle that squirts out when –oh, never mind. Inevitably, and I am doubtful it has one lick to do with the fact that I am the Fashion Junkie that I am, we discuss wardrobes.
“Marshall’s on Route 46 has Anthro (Anthropologie) by the truck load.”
“Hosiery is torture.”
“Are you wearing your Rubber Dress again?”
“I haven’t bought a new bra in 15 years.”
“I hate pants.”
No other fashion topic arises as much as what to wear when. Job interviews, first dates, romantic weekends, pool parties, PTA meetings, black tie benefits, school pickup, all have been fodder for the Runway of Life. And while some events clearly dictate more attention to garment construction detail than others, there is no garment more ubiquitous in the adult womans life these days than Yoga Pants.
Really, I would be hard pressed to find a singular garment that has so many incarnations. Tucked into boots with a belted sweater and they’re an equestrian Jodhpur/legging hybrid. Cropped with a ballet flat and twinset, suddenly you’re Audrey Hepburn. But what makes a yoga pant a yoga pant? Well, for one, they are black. And stretchy. (lululemon scandal notwithstanding). Typically it’s the fold over waistband styling that distinguishes them from ordinary workout pants or leggings. That waistband is forgiving, and can be hoisted up in a spanx-like manner (oh, come on, you’ve done it), or folded down low to accommodate a longer top without accentuating the dreaded muffin top.
But other than Yoga Class, just exactly WHEN are yoga pants appropriate? And before you go all, “I’m gonna wear what I wear when I wanna” on me, our mothers put on lipstick and some sort of shoe with a heel to leave the house. Curlers may have been involved. I am of the belief that a fashionless society is a reckless one (and it’s my blog, so there). A little decorum ladies, please. And nothing says “I give up” more than Yoga pants all day everyday.
Have no fear, my girlfriends and I have developed some Yoga Pant Rules for you to adhere to. Break one of these rules, and you will be called out. Right there at pickup. Because it’s 3:30, and YOU’VE NOT DONE YOGA TODAY, so you’re gonna need to put some pants on:
Wearing of Yoga Pants in public is suitable only immediately prior to or after formal physical exercise, including but not limited to brisk walks, exercise classes, and said Yoga. Exceptions are as follows:
1. 3-5 days prior to the anticipated onset of one’s menses.
2. During one’s menses.
3. Fever of more than 101, just like the Pediatrician told you.
4. Work hours in excess of 9 hours per day
5. Children misbehaving in excess of 2 hours per day.
6. If your motherf*@#ing husband takes the kids for haircuts and they come out looking dorky. Or if you get a bad haircut of your own. Or if your friend gets a bad haircut and you have to empathize.